The 5-Minute Exercise for Low-Grade Frustration

Think of one person you've been quietly frustrated with this week.

Not a person you're in open conflict with.

The other kind: the colleague whose tone in that email rubbed you the wrong way, the family member you've been short with, the friend whose silence you've been reading something into. The low-grade frustration you've been carrying around without naming.

Got someone in mind?

Here's an exercise, and it takes five minutes and a piece of paper.

Step 1. On the left side of the page, write down what you've been assuming this person is thinking, feeling, or doing. Be specific. "He doesn't respect my time." "She's been deliberately distant since the meeting." "He thinks I'm overreacting." Whatever the story in your head has been, write it down word for word.

Step 2. On the right side, write what that person would say if you asked them directly and they answered honestly. Not what you wish they'd say. What they'd most likely actually say, given everything you know about them as a real person, not the version you've been arguing with in your head.

Step 3. Look at the gap between the columns.

For most people, the gap is wider than they expected.

Sometimes the gap is enormous. The left column is full of accusations the person would be genuinely shocked to hear.

Sometimes the gap is subtler, the right column is roughly accurate, but missing context that completely changes the meaning.

Either way, what you've found is the same thing: a piece of the frustration you've been carrying wasn't necessarily about that person. It was about the version of them you'd constructed. You've just taken a moment to see the world from their point of view.

The exercise you just did is a mini version of the activities in my upcoming book, Zero-Sum Illusion, coming in July. OK, I realise that in step 2 you have constructed yet another version of the other person, and that's what I call "mind-reading." The better approach is to a) connect with them and b) ask great questions.

Most books in this territory stop at the insight. They tell you the pattern exists, give you a few examples, and trust you to figure out the rest. I wrote this one differently. Every chapter pairs the why (where the pattern comes from, what it's protecting, why it's so hard to spot) with the how: specific, structured exercises like the one above that build on each other so you're not just learning a concept, you're building a practice.

The goal isn't to convince you that unchecked stories cause friction. You probably figured that out five minutes ago. The goal is to give you the actual tools to catch your stories in real time, in the half-second before they become the thing you say, the email you send, the silence you give someone.

That's it for today. Try the exercise this week if you can. See what shows up.

Best wishes Grant

P.S. If the gap surprised you, I'd love to hear about it. Just reply to this email. I read everything that comes in.

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