The 1,500-Year-Old Ditch in Our Minds

Yesterday, the weather here in London was precisely the way I like it: bright sunshine and cold. We went for a long 4-hour walk through Joyden's Wood, in Bexley, which is in southeast London. Amidst the trees and the quiet, we stumbled on the remains of a massive earthwork called the Faesten Dic.

A nearby notice board set the scene: 1,500 years ago, the Roman Empire had collapsed, and the Saxon farmers in Kent felt their homes were no longer safe. The Romano-British of London were on the prowl, heading their way.

Their solution? They grabbed their shovels and dug a defensive trench 8 metres wide and nearly 2 metres deep.

It was a huge, physical dividing line designed to keep "Roman Londoners out of Saxon Kent".

Seeing that ancient ditch struck a chord. In my upcoming book, The Zero-Sum Illusion, I explore how this exact dynamic is wired into our DNA. As I write in the manuscript, the root of much of our modern conflict is an evolutionary adaptation to see the world in terms of "us" and "them". It was a vital survival mechanism that kept our ancestors safe from danger.

Today, we aren't digging 8-metre trenches in the woods to keep our neighbours out. But we are absolutely still digging them in our minds, our workplaces, and our digital spaces and between nations.

We build psychological walls to protect our "in-group" from anyone who thinks, votes, or works differently.

Crossing the Ditch: Two Things Are True

If the "Faesten Dic" is our default programming, how do we get past it? How do we build a bridge?

I get excited when I realise that a skill in one domain makes perfect sense in another. About three or four years ago, I came across a brilliant framework from clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy called the "Two Things Are True" approach. She uses it for parenting, but it is just as applicable in a busienss setting.

When we are trapped in an Us vs. Them mentality, we fall for the Zero-Sum Illusion: for my reality to be right, yours must be wrong.

The "Two Things Are True" framework short-circuits this by validating conflicting realities, acknowledging the tension, and creating space for resolution.

It looks like this in the workplace:

• "I value your contributions and agree you deserve a salary increase... AND our current financial constraints mean we do not have the budget to raise salaries this quarter."
• "The new business process will make our reporting much faster in the long run... AND I know learning it right now is frustrating and slowing you down."

This framework replaces the defensive "but" with an accepting "AND". It allows us to acknowledge the tension without treating the other side as an enemy. It is a practical application of Radical Acceptance - accepting the reality of the ditch and then building a bridge over it anyway.

This week, notice where you are digging a trench. Where are you turning a disagreement into a battle between "Us" and "Them"?

Try applying the "Two Things Are True" framework. You might find that the need for the ditch disappears entirely.

What I'm (re)reading this week

I dug out my copy of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy a couple of weeks ago to remind me why it was so good.

The Big Idea: While nominally a parenting book, this is actually a masterclass in human connection, boundary-setting, and conflict resolution. Kennedy argues against traditional binary thinking - the idea that someone is either "good" or "bad" based on their behaviour. Instead, she focuses on "Connection over Correction". This is SUCH a powerful idea, and one I would like to get more skilled at living. As a High-C (DiSC terminology), I tend to overcorrect and under connect.

This is the book where I originally found the "Two Things Are True" framework. It provides the perfect antidote to zero-sum thinking by proving we don't have to choose between two seemingly oppositional realities (like holding a firm boundary while still being deeply empathetic). Dr Becky also advocates for finding the "Most Generous Interpretation" (MGI) of someone's behaviour - looking past the immediate friction to the unmet need beneath it. It is a fantastic read for anyone leading a team, managing a household, or just trying to navigate difficult relationships.

Key Quote:

"Building strong connections relies on the assumption that no one is right in the absolute, because understanding, not convincing, is what makes people feel secure in a relationship."

Best wishes,

Grant

PS To chat about how these ideas apply to your own work or leadership, reply to this email. I’m booking 15-minute virtual coffees and would love to meet you. Book it directly in my calendar here.

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